star · light · star · bright

I don't update. So why im bothering right now i have no idea. Ive not missed a day of school in 34 real days. so thats like 20 something days of school i have been every single day. im pretty darn proud of myself. but i find myself thinking up exuses to stay home. expecially since my brother is suspended. I wanna chill with him. If fuckin Vanselette woudln't kill me cuz i was out id so skip tomororw and comlpain of a fuckin headache, but then again i don't know.

ahhhh..

Once again I am home sick. This is my 8th day missed from school along with my numerous early dismissals due to illness or becuase of physical therapy. I really need stop missing so much school, but i just can't help not feeling well. Not to mention school is the most annoying thing in the entire world. I have nothing to look forward to after school, but to go home and do homework. What a fun fun thing. I guess the only thing i am looking forward to right now is cheerleading.

For being sick for about 4 days I have lost 4 pounds. I am now 100 even. I really want to lose more because I haven't been under 100 since like 7th-8th grade. I feel extremely fat and I could stand to lose more. I don't want to scare people with my many many rolls.

Tomorrow Emmitt will have been put down for three months. I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I miss that dog so much. I thought getting another dog would be easy and make me miss Emmitt less. But i have found of that by her being her i compare her and emmitt in everything. She is not the same dog emmitt was and she never will be. I guess i wasn't as ready for a new dog as I thought. I do love her, but I guess I want her to be like emmitt. I don't know.

Brittany and I have been talking and stuff a lot more now that I have told her about how it has been my fault that we haven't hung out like we use to. I can't blame her for not wanting to hang out with me. I have realized how I dull people with my endless talking about boys and certain boys. I can't say that Im excactly happy about what has happened to make me realize this, but I mean I am very excited to have my best friend back, or most of her back to almost where we use to be. She is coming over friday and most likely sleeping over. We need to catch up. We both are not the same people we use to be. Its different but Ill get use to it.

Sometimes actions speak more than words. I am not proud of my actions in the past month and a half and I shouldn't be either. I owe some people apologies, even if it happened months ago. I wish I could just tell people no and keep it at that, but i seem to want to please people more than to please myself, or do what is right. I really need to stop that, becuase that kind of stuff gets me into trouble or ends up hurting people. If i could I would take back everything that has happened in the past 7 months and re-do it all.

Emmitt will have been gone three months tuesday. We decided we wanted another pug. Last night while looking for breaders my dad came across a lady in Farmington (yess where they only have one toof). So he called her up right when he saw her add online for pug puppies and she said that she had 3 left. So my dad said he wanted to come down and visit them. So i come home from school today and we had a little fawn girl who my dad named Missy. Im not particularly fond of the name but we never call our animals what we name them... Like Emmitt we called Bubba and Spike my guinea we called Squeekers. I wonder what her nick name will be.

I will probably add pictures once my brother shows me how to. Shes 10 weeks old and was born October 28, 2005. Shes about 3 lbs. too

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

Everything now is all starting to make sense. How i was so young and foolish back when I was little. Im glad I am loved <3

I think i might have a little crush :) Hes soo cute and yeah :) He makes me smile

I have updated in a while. Things kinda suck and im really confused... but anyways STATES are today and im practically going to die of nervousness just typing. Im trying to keep my mind off things by attempting to clean my room or thinking about how late im going to be up tonight doing all my stupid english homework. I know i should probably eat but im wayyy nervous. Omg this is huge and even though people say no matter what you guys will do awsome. There is more pressure on us this competition than there ever has been put on a team, mostly on the freshman whos stunts don't hit all the time. I know they can do it they just have to want to do it. The coaches tell us that, you have to show the judges you want it. I know I want it but does everyone else want it as well? I believe they do, but i don't know im getting very worked up. Its almost 12 and I think Im going to die. We have to be at the high school at 1230. Hopefully we can try a few stunts to make sure everything will go well. I hope no one forgets where they are going or doesn't tumble. We go on at 3:20 and im terrified. OMG.. this is my 3rd time at States and I am scared. I can't imagine the freshman whoes first time it will be at states. Yeah im going to get ready...

To anyone who has had Mr. McCann for a Earth Science teacher... Read this... My brother actually wrote this and handed it in for a grade for English. Not too bad considering he handed it in late and still got a C on it. You all will know where he is coming from!!

( STORY! )

Today sucked... I woke up after sleeping 13 hours and i felt wicked sick.. so i got up and got ready to visit brandon... then i went to cheerleading... so yeah i missed all the dover exits cuz i wouldn't see cuz the sun was in my eyes... so i drove thru the tolls then turned around and got there like 10 minutes late... the competition was a joke i hated it so bad so then after that and being dead tired i went to work to see brandon and ended up working... i didn't want to cuz i wanted to hang with brandon but im a fag like that and can't say no .... so i worked till 7 then i drove stephen home.. were we decided to take his dog for a walk... she ended up biting my face... and we ran into two of his friends so we went tping and forking.. smart so smart... then i met his friend matt and stuff then i came home talked with brandon on the phone then stephen about brandon.. then yeah im here now being bored..

i haven't done ne homework so im going to bed...

Today has been horrible.... To start of my day my dad wakes me up and asks me what time im working... I tell him 5:30 and he goes well its 5:15 right now.... so yeah im like shit... so i had to get ready as fast as i could and leave for work.. I didn't even get to shower... then from there on everything went downhill.. everyone bitches and cries and complains and i hate it....

I did a lot of thinking while i was pissed off and I still can't decide what i want to do. I mean If i choose not to do something then later on it will effect me... and i understand this and ive been told this straight out... if i choose to do it then im going to be miserable doing it, and to me that isn't a good way to spend most of my time. I am so undecisive... and it buggs me sooo bad... If it woudln't effect me then I woudln't have to think twice.. i woudln't do it... but i can't decide whats more important.. doing what i want to do now and take my chances with it later... or doing what i don't and then knowing everything will be ok...

I have no idea. I hate it when my mom cleans my room. She makes it a bigger mess than it was and it takes me a whole lot longer to undo what shes done. Yeah Im tired im sleeping...

In the past 24 hrs have you;

1. Had sex: No Im no slut.. lol
2. Bought something: Nope
3. Gotten sick: nope
4. Sang: yupp
5. Been kissed: yes
6. Ate something: Yeah BK
7. Felt stupid: umm maybe
8. Talked to an ex: nope
9. Missed Someone: yupp

Last person who:

1. Layed in your bed: me
2. Saw you cry: ummm idk i cry a lot
3. Made you cry: Brandon but in a good way
4. Went to the movies with: my brother and dad to see Star Wars
5. You went to the mall with: My dad and brother

Have You Ever:

1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yes
2. Got in a fight with your pet: Ha ha no
3. Been to California: Nope
4. Been to Mexico: Nope
6. Been to Canada: Nope
7. Been to Europe: Nope

Random:

1. Do you have a crush on someone: yess Brandon <3
2. What book are you reading now: Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness
3. Worst feeling in the world: Knowing ill never be able to hug my dog again
4. Future kids names: I have no idea
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yess
6. What's under your Bed: ummm idk
7. Sports to watch: Baseball, football, cheerleading competitons
8. Location: Dover
9. Piercing/Tattoos: 2 in both Ears and belly button
10.Do you drink: yes but not a lot
11. What are you most scared of right now: getting bitched at by Vancelette for not doing my paper
13. Who do you really hate: VANCELETTE
15. Do you like being around people: yes i do
17. Have you ever cried: who hasn't
18. Are you lonely: Yes, when im alone.. lol
19. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Sugar were going down
23. Pulled an all-nighter: yupp
24. Been on radio/TV: Yes radio once for answering a trivia quesiton right
25. Been in a mosh-pit: Yupp

Today went well... We placed 1st at the West Competition and JV placed an awsome 3rd. Not much else has happened..

im tired and my mom is making me do homework cuz i can't take tomorrow off.. how stupid

Yeah so yesterday was my birthday Wooo... Yeah um turning 17 isn't really that cool... Im still forced to clean and stuff.... I mean when i was 16 i could drive... and now im 17 and nothing changes... When im 18 im able to vote..buy lottery tickets, do mostly what i want without my parents telling me no... and to buy cigarettes... but if i wanted to do that im sure i would have already tried....

so yeah I had the worst day at school all my teachers are ass holes and i wanted to punch them all.. but then i had practice right after since it was only a half day.. but techically it wasn't a real half day cuz we went to school for more than 4 1/2 hours... so yeah at practice we all had lunch with pb and j... and chips, carrots, dip, h2o cookies.. ect.... then we practiced.. which my leg still kills and tumbling and heel stretches are not helping it.

then i went home and i took a wicked quick shower.. went to brits to work on our history project which came out marvelous.. which it shoulda cuz it took over a whole day.. (24 hours) to do... she gave me fall out boy cd and phantom of hte opera dvd.. she knows me so well.. even though she should weve only been best frineds like since 4th grade then me and her rents went out to smokey bones for dinner... yummy... I love food... then we went back and we worked on the project some more then i went to home.. took another shower...did some more funn stuff then went to bed...

yeah today sucked.. not going into much detail there...

EXHEBITION TONIGHT!!!! I am sooo scared because i can't pull a retarded heel stretch with my leg all hurting.. and my cartwheel backhandspring.. umm yeah ha ha...

Yeah haven't updated in about a week. Some stuff has happened but not much.

Went to the mall tonight were i ran into MIKEY!!! Yeah that was soo unexpected but a good unexpected. Shopping really reduces so much stress its not even funny. I feel so much better than i have been...

School sucks so bad and I CANT stand english with Vancellette any longer. I seriously am thinking about dropping down to CP because i can not stand that man. He shoulda retired a long damn time ago. What the fuck... Ill probably end up sticking it out but doesn't mean i hafta like it one bit.

Cheerleading is going ok... the routine is getting better which is good for us since like exhibition is in 2 days. Unfortunatly i pulled a stupid muscle in my leg so i can't jump well at all or do my heel stretch.. and the coaches were like "amy its a heel stretch not a ankle stretch" but i can't pull it cuz it hurts so bad. Im hoping it gets better for thursday if not.. yeah im gonna look like i suck.

Saturday Brandon asked me out. :) I am so happy because i like him a wicked lot. Only bad thing is for the next month i am so busy with competitions and stuff.... :(

Work is getting wicked annoying. Its like everything is going downhill there. People are getting annoying, and the days are getting longer and longer.

Yeah I was definatly planning on going to bed at 8 tonight. Never happened..

I love my friends..

Competition Sunday Im so nervous!!!

Today was an emotional rollercoaster. I would have to say that the highlight of my day was running a mile. My dog was suppose to come home today after having a minor surgery on his mouth because he had a lump and yeah. Well they took xrays afterwards and saw that 90% of his lungs were cancer. Obviously thats horrible so we put him to sleep. It was extremley sad... everyone was crying so i tried to stay away from home as much as possible. I went to work and i went to cheering.. then went back to work to hang out there for a bit. It helps me to talk about it ...I can talk to people who never knew him and be ok with it but when my parents try to talk to me i don't let them. They want to talk to me about it but i push them away.

I don't think his acutal death will hit me right away. It will probably be a week or so before it really hits me. But the weirdest part is like what to say to people when they are like "im sooo sorry ur dog died" i mean u can't say oh its ok... its not... like idk... im not good at those kinda things...

Im not going to school tomorrow cuz i hafta do my homework that i never did... im gonna be behind again oh well.....

im tired i should go to bed soon

I noticed something. Everything is going downhill for me.. Like i never realized it until now but as happy as I act around people underneath Im hurt. It just seems like nothing i do ever comes out right... Like my dog. He has cancer. Hes had it on and off for 7 years now. Now it has totally consumed his body. Hes dying. I love my dog and It hurts me to think about being without him.. he sleeps in my bed.. and will always sit with me when im sad. And i guess reality has hit me that he wont be here much longer. My parents constantly argue about when enuff is enuff and when he should be put to sleep. I doubt he will be here past november. Ive had him for over half my life and i don't know how ill cope with his loss. Which kinda is sad because i don't have time for him with evreything going on, it makes me feel guilty..

I can't say anything has been going good for me at all lately... i always get my hopes up... because nothing ever works out the way that i want them to. I always open myself up and then i get hurt.. it never fails... Sometimes i feel like nothing is worth working of anymore cuz it will never happen. Idk.. im just feeling really alone right now. I don't know how to explain it..

I need to have myself a good cry... then ill be better

Yeah Ive had a wonderful day... Tonight is our homecoming game against portsmouth. WHOOO HOOOO.. yeah im so excited... today started off ok... my legs hurt walking to school cuz im so out of shape... Since it was green and white day almost everyone dressed up.. some people dind't try like usual which i guess is ok but its stupid i think. Then we had pep rally which i always love no matter what. But i love how things don't bother me anymore. Like today while us cheerleaders were performing i had to do my roundoff backhandspring tuck. which i wont lie i haven't attempted to do in about 2-3 weeks when im suppose to. so needless to say was rusty.. but when it was time to do it infront of the entire school i do my tuck get way too much height on it over-rotate and land on my ass.. then roll like we do at gymnastics so we don't break our arms or wrists or fingers lol... i felt kinda stupid but i don't care honestly. if you want to think i suck go ahead... shit happens.. and at least i know i should practice it at practice instead of slackin off thinking i can throw it whenever i feel like it... of course all my true friends told me i looked so cute when i fell and got back up... im just glad i didn't hurt myself...

For one of the pep rally games i did scooter relay.. juniors came in 2nd. i had to ride on the scooter which i kinda didn't like cuz i was afraid i was gonna fall. i much rather would have pushed someone else.. but oh well..

out game is at 7.. yeah i gotta leave now... im so hyper

Things are getting better... I took the day off today to catch up with some homework. Well not really catch up.. do some so i can have the weekend to myself... This week has been kinda good at school. Spirit week always goes really fast cuz the spirit just brings everyone up.. I cant wait for pep rally. even though i don't do anything cuz i missed most of the practice when they made it up... but i still love green and white day... which i gotta get an outfit for that togehter...

I acutally ran today after practice and i wasn't like totally dying. I thought that was a step up. We have a competition in 2 weeks and its starting to make me nervous. Somehow i always end up crying at competitions... expecially states.. but i feel wicked dehydrated... wheres my blue gatorade when i need it... but i did drink like half a gallon of milk today... yeah it made me look like i was pregnant.. oops

nothing much has happened since like yesterday... but at work there has been food going missing and im really curious how thats gonna turn out.. if someone will get caught or someone counted wrong. But i don't like the idea of people maybe even guessing that i took it cuz i didn't. what do i want with a 40 lb box of whopper meat...

im wicked tired so i think im gonna go to bed early....

I <3 my friends... if u make me happy to be around then im talking about you

Everything is happening so fast.... things are starting to become strange.. Im not the same person i use to be and i don't need everyones imput on everything that goes on. Im not little anymore.. I can do things on my own and make my own decisions whether you think they are good or not. I don't care anymore so stop telling me ive changed or saying things about how you don't like the way i am. If you don't like me i don't care.... your loss not mine....

The people who i thought would support my desicions instead of critizing have totally left me. Im standing by myself, i'm alone....